


When Faced With Tragedy (We Come Alive)

by Kareh



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-19
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-02-26 07:54:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2644097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kareh/pseuds/Kareh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's like there's something polluting the air around them, something preventing the oxygen from getting into his lungs because Leonardo can't breathe. No matter how many times he breaths in, the air isn't there. It won't reach his lungs. Are they being attacked again? Is something after them? What's happening? Why can't be breathe right? Donatello said his throat was damaged, is that why he can't breathe?<br/>Is he dying? He feels like he's dying."</p><p>Missing moments from season 3, all Leonardo centric cos he's my fave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crack A Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Here have some stuff I've been writing as season 3 has been airing. I was never really planning on posting these; I wrote them just to get it out of my system, really. I'm not a great writer; I gave up on writing a long time ago but sometimes I get overwhelmed with feelings and headcanons that I have to write about them.  
> All Leonardo centric since he's my favourite character and it's mostly angst. I've been kind of frustrated that we haven't seen signs of Leonardo struggling emotionally with what happened to him at the end of season 2 and that we haven't seen his siblings ask him what exactly happened or anything - I'm certain, in my head, that they have been. It just hasn't made it into the show yet (I'm hoping that we will and the latest episode did kind of hint that Leonardo is struggling with it).  
> Also it's recently come to my attention that people have different opinions over which turtle is older: Raphael or Donatello. I grew watching the original series, the live action one (and all of the movies) followed by 2k3 through all of those -I thought it was just known/accepted that Raphael was the older of two. No matter what anybody else says; Raphael is the second oldest imo and that is how I'll write him.
> 
> Title is from Rise Against's 'Tragedy + Time'.
> 
> WARNING Spoilers for season 3 and Raph drops the s-bomb not once but twice.  
> Set after episode 2 but before episode 3.

"Okay, Leo, let's get you checked out." Donatello's standing at the living room doorway; carefully eyeing up his eldest brother.  
He's just finished cleaning up some of the scrapes on their youngest brother, Michelangelo. Thankfully none of them had sustained any serious injuries from their fight with the creep. He'd been awake for about twenty four hours by now; working all night to find a way to turn Raphael back to normal. While he was waiting on the serum to drain, he'd checked over April, Casey and Michelangelo. He'd come for Leonardo, first, actually. He'd seen how much his brother was thrown around in the fight with the Creep and he was concerned that it had been too much for his brother; that it would set back his healing. But Leonardo had refused, telling him to check over the others first. Donatello allowed it; he needed someone to be looking over Raphael, anyway, and Leonardo had the best knowledge of medicine after Donatello; he was always the one handing him things, watching him fix up their brothers whenever things went wrong. Plus, he understood that his brother needed normality again; he needed to feel like he was helping.

"I'm fine, Donnie," Leonardo tells him, but he moves to stand anyway, prepared to follow his brother into his lab because he knows his younger brother won't back down.  
"No, no, stay sitting, I'll come to you," Donatello rushes over with his first aid kit. "Anything new hurt?"  
The older turtle shakes his head, but Donatello checks him over quickly anyway. It wouldn't be the first time that his brother has hidden his injuries from him, afterall. But Leonardo looks to be telling the truth this time; he's a little banged up, but nothing serious.   
"Hey, Leo?" Donatello's eyes flicker to Leonardo's face for a second. He's resting his head against the sofa. Leonardo has lost weight in the months since the invasion; he looks more fragile and vulnerable than ever. Donatello makes a mental note to ask April to pick up some junk food next time she leaves the farm; Leonardo needs to start gaining weight.   
"Yeah?" "I'm really sorry," Donatello finishes cleaning one of the scrapes on his brothers shoulder. "I should've worked harder on that medicine mutagen; it's my fault Raphael got turned into a plant. My fault you had to get in the firing line again."  
Leonardo's eyes open again and he sits up straight again, "It was an accident, Donnie," He tells his younger brother, softly, "No one thinks it was your fault"  
"You should," Donatello sighs as he puts his tools away. "If I had just listened to you none of this would have happened in the first place and you wouldn't"-  
"Woah, Donnie, hey," Leonardo's hand is on his shoulder, "Stop. Have you been feeling responsible this whole time?"  
Donatello's guilty silence is answer enough.  
"Donnie, you didn't do this," Leonardo tells his brother, "It was the Foot, not you."  
"Yeah, but I argued with you and you got hurt"-   
And I'll get hurt again. We're ninjas, Donatello," Leonardo tells him, firmly. "We're all going to get hurt. But what happened to me wasn't your fault; we couldn't have handled all of them. And then you and Mikey would have gotten hurt, too, and you wouldn't have been able to fix us up and know what to do."  
Donatello opens his mouth to protest but Leonardo cuts him off, tightening his grip on his shoulder. "You did good, little brother."   
"No," Donatello snaps. "I didn't do good, Leo. You almost died! I thought - I thought you were dead, when you crashed through the window. You weren't moving, your breathing was faint and I-I thought we'd lost you for good- "  
Leonardo pulls Donatello into him, suddenly. Partly to shut him up, because Leonardo doesn't really want to think about that day. He hasn't offered up much information about what exactly happened to his brothers, and they haven't asked. He knows that they're waiting for him to tell them all about it; but he can't.   
Donatello hugs his eldest brother carefully, "Don't leave us again," he mumbles.  
"I'm not going anywhere," Leonardo promises. "Don't apologise to me again. Because I don't want to hear it, okay? You don't have anything to apologise for - in fact, I'll hit you if you try to apologise again."  
Donatello gives out a shaky laugh in spite of himself, turning his head from his brother in the hopes that he won't notice his watery eyes, "You sound like Raph."  
Leonardo grins at him, though it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Still, Donatello lets him off. Leonardo hasn't been smiling or laughing much since he woke up; but he understands that his brother has more than just physical wounds.   
"What have I told you about stealing my lines, Leo?!" Raphael's head pokes around the door, suddenly, but he's grinning at them, "You guys coming for breakfast? Mikey's made pancakes."  
Donatello straightens up, "Yeah, just a sec. I'm gonna go put my stuff away." He leaves the room quickly, sniffling a little. Raphael frowns after him for a moment, before he notices Leonardo moving stiffly and slowly to get to his feet and grabs his crutch for him, moving it closer for him to hold onto. His eldest brother gives him a small smile as a thanks.  
"He's fine," Leonardo informs him, "He just needs a minute."   
"Yeah, I heard," Raphael says, gruffly, "You do know that everything you just said to Donatello also applies to you too, right? You don't got anything to be sorry for."   
Leonardo grimaces as he finally gets to his feet and starts to hobble, "I didn't say that I did."   
"Didn't have to," Raphael grunts, "I know ya."   
Leonardo shrugs him off, "I'm starving, let's go eat."

* * *

 

Raphael wakes up to a yelp.  
He's out of his bed in seconds, sais in hand. He freezes, listening carefully. It's late - or rather, it's early. There's enough light coming through the curtains in guestroom at the farmhouse that suggests the sun has already risen. But the farmhouse is still and silent, so Raphael knows his brothers are asleep.  
All but one, that is. Raphael holds onto his sais just in case, but he has an idea of whose yelp he heard and why. He moves down the stairs quickly, remembering which ones creek and avoiding them so as not to wake anybody else up and slips outside, as quietly as possible.  
His suspicions were right, so Raphael returns his sais to his belt and crosses his arms, frowning as he watches his eldest brother training on his own. Leonardo is still shaky on his feet, but he's fighting to put weight on his right leg instead of favouring his left all the time. He's lost more than just a few pounds since the invasion, but Donatello has been carefully monitoring everything that Leonardo eats and he's finally starting to put the weight back on - so Raphael isn't worried about that any more.  
Raphael is more concerned that his brother will end up doing more damage to his leg if he keeps pushing himself. Donatello warned him that yes, his brother does to start putting more weight on his injured leg and yes, he does need to start exercising it. But he needs to exercise it gently. His brother is doing anything but that.  
If Leonardo does more damage to his leg, he runs the risk of screwing his leg up for good or, at the very least, setting his recovery back by a few extra weeks. And they can't really afford for Leonardo to be out of it for longer than he has to be. They all long to return to the city, to find their father and make the Shredder pay - but they also can't rush it. They can't risk Leonardo doing permanent damage to his leg.  
It isn't the first time he's been woken up by his brother this early in the morning; Leonardo has always trained the most out of any of them, so he wasn't surprised by his brothers early morning training session. The first time Raphael was about to yell at him when he caught his brother hobbling downstairs, but when Leonardo finally made it outside, all he did was meditate and do some light stretches. Raphael figured his brother was, amazingly, going to be patient with himself for a change.  
But he's not being very patient, today, however. When Leonardo pushes himself to his feet once more to practice another kick, Raphael calls out to him because he's pretty sure his big brother is going to collapse any minute now.  
"I think that's enough for today, bro."  
Leonardo visibly jumps at his younger brothers voice - and that's worrying because nobody can ever sneak up on Leonardo, but Raphael keeps his face straight and doesn't comment on it for his brothers sake.  
"Raph," Leonardo puts his swords away, "I was just, uh, getting some light exercise"-  
"Uh huh," Raphael snorts at his brother, grabbing hold of Leonardo's arm to steady him as he almost trips over his own feet on the way back to the farmhouse, "I see."  
Leonardo goes to move his arm away and insist that he doesn't need any help but thinks better of it when his brother narrows his eyes at him, so instead he grudgingly accepts the help, but is careful not to put as little of his weight on his little brother.  
"You gotta stop pushing yourself like this, bro," Raphael tells him, gruffly, "You're going to really hurt yourself."  
Leonardo doesn't reply, too busy concentrating on putting one foot after the other and not tripping up again.  
"Leonardo," Raphael full names him so Leonardo knows that he's cross, "Lean on me, you idiot. Stop being stubborn."  
"Stop being stubborn?" Leonardo snorts, but he leans a little bit more of his weight on his brother. Not all of it - but enough. "Hi...pot....I'm kettle," he tries to joke, but he's breathing too heavily for it to have the full effect.  
They finally make it back into the farmhouse, Leonardo moves to shuffle into the living room but Raphael grabs hold of his shoulder.  
"No," he tells him, flatly. "Go back to bed, bro. I've got Don and Mikey today, we'll play follow the leader or somethin'."  
"I'm fine, Raph," Leonardo argues, "I can handle it-"  
"You aren't fine, Leo," Raphael snaps, "And that's okay. You just woke up from a three month coma, nobody expects you to jump up and be completely healed all of a sudden. Just give yourself a break and rest."  
Leonardo stills. He was out for three months, of course it was a coma. But none of them have used the c-word out loud up until now and Leonardo hadn't really thought about it until now _and holy crap he was in a freaking coma-_  
"Leo," Raphael realises what he said, "Shit, sorry, I"-  
"Why are you apologising?" Leonardo grumbles, "You're right. It-it was a- coma."  
"Shit," Raphael repeats. He doesn't know what to say now. Leonardo sways a bit and he instinctively grabs onto him and steadies him.  
"Language, Raphael," Leonardo says, sternly, out of habit. And then he gives his brother a weak grin, "You got the kids then?"  
It's old joke - referring to their younger siblings as kids, as though they're the parents. Raphael might not understand the full weight of being leader, but he does understand Leonardo's need to take care of his brothers - to protect them at all costs.  
Raphael huffs out a laugh, relieved, "Yeah. Go to bed, bro." 

* * *

 

**[I HAVE MANY HEADCANONS ABOUT THE TURTLES, LEONARDO IN PARTICULAR, AND IF UR ON TUMBLR AND UR A REALLY BIG LEONARDO FAN LIKE MYSELF WE SHOULD SHARE OUR HEADCANONS COS I HAVE A LOT OF FEELING](http://yunikonsprinkles.tumblr.com/)S  
**


	2. Never Ending Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after the third episode. Is Leonardo out of character here? Yeah, probably. Sue me. I've been rewatching 2k3 where Leonardo has like a billion times more angst than he (currently) does in 2k12. But I suspect Leonardo might go down that same path in 2k12 and I think, in order for that to be realistic, we should see early signs of it happening, early signs that Leonardo is far too strict on himself.  
> I know 2k12 Splinter seems to be nicer and Leonardo seems to have had a childhood but imo Leonardo didnt have much of one in 2k3 and I can't shake that so I always write Leonardo really angsty. Raphael's pretty out of character here too but I love how he's been written in 2k12 because he just seems to have way more depth than 2k3 Raphael did.  
> I wrote this at 1am the night before a very important deadline because I was in denial about said deadline so please excuse any mistakes.
> 
> WARNING: panic attacks and a whole lot of angst from leonardo

Leonardo doesn't let Donatello check him over after April saves them from the creature posing as April's mom. Instead, he snaps at Donatello to check over the others and disappears outside.  
He doesn't make it very far; his leg is still too painful and he doesn't even make it down the porch steps before he loses his balance and crashes to the ground. He's angry. He was useless tonight. He wasn't strong enough to protect his brothers. Sure, nobody's dying this time but they could have been. It could have been worse, one of them could have been seriously injured - they got lucky. They got lucky that April managed to save them all.  
But Leonardo shouldn't need saving. He's supposed to be the leader. He's the oldest and sensei left him in charge; but he would be so disappointed if he could see Leonardo right now. He can't even walk down three stairs without falling to the ground.  
His brothers are relatively unscathed; just a little banged up. But every bruise, every scrape, every scar on his brothers bodies- it's more proof that he's failing them as a leader. As a big brother. He's just pulled himself up off the ground, into a crumpled but technically upright, sitting position when he becomes aware of Raphael's presence, moments before he sits down beside him.  
"Brought ya an icepack," he grumbles, throwing it at him.  
Leonardo catches, frowning at it, "I don't need-"  
"Shut up," Raphael responds, and Leonardo does. He quietly puts the ice pack against his aching bones, holding back a hiss at how cold it is. Each intake of air hurts and Leonardo hopes his ribs are just bruised.  
"You did what you could tonight, Leo," Raphael tells him, suddenly. "So stop beating yourself up, you dork. S'not your fault."  
I didn't say it was..." Leonardo trails off, keeping his eyes carefully on a patch of grass in front of him. He's not quite ready to face his brother. Not quite ready to see the look in his eyes; he doesn't know what'll be there. Hate? Disappointment? Blame? Anger? Leonardo knows that deserves all of it but he's still afraid to face it.  
"Didn't have to," Raphael snorts. "I know you."  
"I should have seen what was happening." _I've failed you. You all could have died tonight._  
Raphael groans beside him, suddenly getting to his feet, "You're so frustrating! You aren't perfect, Leo. You don't have superpowers, you can't predict everything. _You can't save us from everything_!"  
Thats the problem. If I were better - stronger, faster, smarter - I'd be able to protect you. But Leonardo says nothing, waiting for his brother to get up and leave. Except he doesn't. Great. Raphael's going to argue with him, he can tell. Leonardo really doesn't want to do this tonight. The pain in his ribs isn't subsiding and when he breathes in, it's as if he can't get in enough air. But they've been building up to this - Raphael has been nothing but supportive and considerate when it comes to Leonardo's recovery and it's driving Leonardo insane because he doesn't understand. He can tell that Raphael's frustrated; but he hasn't said anything to Leonardo about it and it's not like his younger brother to not blow up when something frustrates him.  
"I know that, Raph," Leonardo says, eventually, staring down at his leg. "I know that I'm not good enough to be leader. I know that I need to work harder. I know I've failed."  
"I-I didn't mean it like that, you idiot," Raphael interrupts, tripping over his words. "You can't save us from everything because it's _impossible_ , not because you aren't good enough! Idiot. _Fuck_ , Leo - are you - are you really that screwed up? You've failed? Is that really what you got from what happened to you? Some foot bots ambushed you and beat you up and you're going around like -" Raphaels eyes are wide open with realisation, "- you think we're mad at you. You think we blame you."  
It's like there's something polluting the air around them, something preventing the oxygen from getting into his lungs because Leonardo can't breathe. No matter how many times he breaths in, the air isn't there. It won't reach his lungs. Are they being attacked again? Is something after them? What's happening? Why can't be breathe right? Donatello said his throat was damaged, is that why he can't breathe? Is he dying? He feels like he's dying.  
Raphael grabs hold of him, suddenly, shaking him. Before he crumbles to the ground he hears Raphael yelling for Donatello.

* * *

 

When he opens his eyes, he's in his bed and Donatello is by his side. He moves to sit up but Donatello stops him.  
"Careful, Leo " Donatello says, "Your ribs are bruised. Not cracked or broken or anything though; you're good. I was worried that you'd broken a rib and that it'd pierced your lung or something but thankfully it wasn't that."  
Leonardo breathes in, testing his lungs. They still ache, but he can get in enough oxygen now.  
"What happened?" He asks, after a few more breaths. He doesn't quite trust his lungs.  
"What do you remember?" Donatello says, carefully studying his eldest brother. He can tell the moment Leonardo remembers his conversation with Raphael; his whole body stiffens and his face crumples. It's only for a split second, before he remembers that Donatello is watching him and he tries to regain his composure.  
"I went to get some air," Leonardo says, slowly, "Raphael came out and we talked for a while...then nothing."  
"Do you remember what you were feeling?" Donatello pushes, "Before you blacked out."  
Leonardo considers him for a moment, "It was like...that time the portal opened in your lab, and we couldn't breathe because the atmosphere was different. It felt...like the air was choking me instead of going in."  
"Okay, " Donatello nods along with his brother, his voice gentle, "I'm pretty sure you had a panic attack."  
Leonardo frowns, "What? Why?" Jeez. A panic attack. _Raph will have a field day with this._  
"Panic attacks are usually caused by anxiety and or stress," Donatello informs him, "You've been through a lot lately, Leo. First with the invasion, waking up three months later and having to adapt to everything - and since you woke up, you haven't exactly had many days where nothing's happened. When you haven't had to fight or save our shells. Frankly, I'd be more worried if you _weren't_ showing signs of stress."  
Leonardo shuts his eyes again. He needs to convince his brothers that he's fine, that they don't need to worry. Leonardo is a lot of things - but he is not a liar. Even when they were kids, he could never lie. Something about lying just didn't sit right with him. When they were younger and they were caught doing something they shouldn't, Splinter would always ask Leonardo what happened because he knew that his eldest son couldn't lie to him. He eventually learned to withhold speech instead, so that he wouldn't have to lie. That's what he does now.  
"Get some rest, okay?" Donatello tells him, getting to his feet when he realises that Leonardo isn't going to respond to him,  
"I don't want to catch you training for the rest of the week, okay?"  
A whole week. _So, like, two days?_  
"It's for your own good," Donatello tells him. Leonardo can tell that he's by the door now because his voice is getting further away. He waits for the door to close but it doesn't - his brother loiters.  
"You're a good leader, you know," Donatello's voice is hesitant. Right, Raphael probably told him about their conversation. _You're the worst leader,_ a voice in the back of Leonardo's head says. _He's just lying to try and make you feel better - he feels_ sorry _for you._  If he keeps his eyes shut, Donatello will think that he's fallen back asleep instead of trying to talk it out with him, right?  
"I couldn't be leader because I think too much with my head. I calculate everything in my head and you don't usually have time to do that when you're leader. You just have to go with your instincts," Donatello says, "And Raph couldn't be leader because he thinks too much with his heart and his feelings; he'd have us jump blindly into battle without giving it much thought. And Mikey would only ever send us on patrols to pizza places instead of watching out for the rest of the city because he only thinks with his stomach. You were the best choice out of all of us, Leo - I think we always knew that you'd make the best leader."  
Leonardo keeps his eyes shut because he doesn't know how to respond to that.

* * *

 

  
Leonardo wakes up gasping for breath, beads of sweat dripping down his face.  
Another nightmare. He's been getting them almost every night since he woke up from his three month coma. The nightmares vary; sometimes he's fighting against Foot bots again, sometimes he's imagining what his brothers saw when the Shredder threw Splinter down the drain, and other times, his brothers are dying in front of him and there's nothing he can do. Or, worse, he dreams of a combination of all three. Like he did tonight.  
He can't breathe; it's like there's a truck on top of his lungs and he can't get in enough air. There's _no air_ left in the world for him. His mouth is open, trying to suck in more air but he can't. _Oh god, oh god, oh god, I'm dying._ He tries to concentrate on his breathing like Donatello told him to do if he ever had another panic attack. But he can't focus, his thoughts are coming in too quickly and he's suffocating. He slips out of the bed, crashing to the ground and tries to remember the position Donatello told him to sit in that's supposed to help. Knees up to his chest, head tucked in. That's it, right? Or is he supposed to lie down?  
Air, he needs air. There's not enough air in this room. This must be what drowning feels like, he thinks, but then he remembers Splinter. _Oh god, Sensei._  
It's Raphael who finds him, and pushes him up into an upright position, "Leo, hey, Leo, it's okay. Breathe, bro. You're having a panic attack. Breathe with me, okay? You aren't dying, everything's fine. C'mon, let's breathe in, okay? Breathe in.....breathe out."  
It's weird that Raphael is the one doing this with him; except it isn't at the same time. Raphael's hotheaded and tough, but they all know it's an act. Leonardo's kind of embarrassed, but Raphael doesn't seem to mind. He's strangely calm, keeping his voice low, rubbing circles on Leonardo's shoulder; and it hits him that his tone is the same one that Leonardo reversed for his younger brothers whenever he had to comfort them from nightmares or when they were injured. Raphael is good at this, he realises with a start - and it hits him that Raphael has to do what Leonardo couldn't for the three months he was out; Raphael, as the second eldest, had to lead them. He had to take Leonardo's place. How many times did Raphael comfort their younger brothers like this when he was out?  
_He'd make a much better leader._  
"Hey, bro, are you with me?" Raphael's watching him, his eyes narrow, as though he can hear Leonardo's thoughts.   
Leonardo considers his question for a moment; his breathing is easier now. He can feel his lungs fill up with oxygen and then out. He nods, "Yeah. I think so."  
Raphael visibly relaxes, but his face is still full of concern."You still havin' nightmares?"  
Leonardo snaps his eyes back to look at his brother who chuckles.  
"C'mon, you really thought I didn't know?" Raphael stands, offering Leonardo his hand. Leonardo takes it and allows his younger brother to pull him up off the ground and sit him back down on his bed.  
"No," his voice is hoarse, "You weren't - you weren't supposed to know."  
Raphael sits down next to him. He's silent for a moment until, "Of all the times you've saved the rest of us - do you think less of us? For needing you to save us? For needing your help?"  
"No! No, of course not," Leonardo knows what Raphael is doing, "But that's not quite the same thing, Raph."  
"What about sensei?" Raphael tries again, "Shredder won that last round. Does that change what you think of him? Does that mean he isn't a great ninja? Does it mean he's weak? Does it mean that he failed us?"  
"No!" Leonardo explodes, "Of course it doesn't- He just lost one fight! He did his best- The Shredder didn't fight with honour, he hid behind so many Footbots, getting them to his dirty work, tiring him out before he faced him- it was,"  
"Impossible," Raphael answers, when Leonardo cuts himself off. "It was impossible for Splinter to win against him. Do you love or respect Sensei any less because he lost?"  
"No," Leonardo admits, but he crosses his arms, stubbornly. He wants to get off this topic so he tries to lighten the mood, "Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"  
Raphael allows it and grins at him, getting to his feet again, "If you wanna talk about what happened to ya, I'll listen. You know that, right? Just...don't tell me in the house. I might break something. And then April will probably break me."  
Leonardo laughs in spite of himself, "Yeah, probably."  
Raphael grins and shuffles over to the door, ready to leave.  
"Thanks, Raph," Leonardo says, suddenly. Raphael pauses by the door.  
"I wouldn't have been able to last as long as you did out there, " Raphael admits, before he leaves, "You're kind of a badass."

 

* * *

 

**[I HAVE MANY HEADCANONS ABOUT THE TURTLES, LEONARDO IN PARTICULAR, AND IF UR ON TUMBLR AND UR A REALLY BIG LEONARDO FAN LIKE MYSELF WE SHOULD SHARE OUR HEADCANONS COS I HAVE A LOT OF FEELING](http://yunikonsprinkles.tumblr.com/)S  
**


	3. I Am With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the latest episode, I felt like we really needed a scene with Leo and Raph - I felt like Raph had been trying his hardest to fill in for his eldest brother and we needed a scene where Leonardo recognises that and thanks him. In the last fic I wrote Leonardo had his own room but in this one he's sharing a room with Raph - maybe Mikey's snoring kept Raph awake so he swapped with Leo. I don't know. Sue me.

It's late on the farm. The house is almost silent except for Michelangelo's snoring that can be heard throughout the house. The lights are all out, apart from one.  
"We have to go back soon."  
"I know," Raphael flops down onto the hard mattress across from his eldest brothers bed. "Just - give it a little longer, bro. You just got back on your feet today."  
Leonardo is silent for a moment. They've wasted too much time already, waiting on him to recover. But Leonardo knows that his younger brother is, annoyingly, right. He's still not at his best, still out of shape. He doesn't have the stamina or endurance that he had before - not yet, anyway. He still has a while to go before they can return to New York, find their father and face the Shredder. He considers his younger brother. Doantello told him that Raphael was the only one to have his grapling hook today - he yelled at the others, too, about the need to being prepared for anything. It was so unlike Raphael and yet - it was exactly like Raphael. Leonardo's the leader but Raphael has always seemed more like an equal. Sometimes it seems like they're on opposite sides - when they yell in each others face and throw punches at each other. But he always knew Raphael cared more than he let on, that he felt equally responsible for their younger siblings. Both of them wanted the same things - sometimes they just disagreed on the details.   
"Thank you, Raph," Leonardo turns his head to look at his brother, "For taking care of Mikey and Donnie and...everything else, too, when I- when I couldn't. You really stepped up."  
"Someone had to," Raphael shrugs, throwing his mask onto the bedside table.   
"As long as the responsibility is yours again, though. I'm happy to resume my role of resident hothead. You call the shots and I'll throw the punches."  
"I thought you wanted to be leader," Leonardo grins at him as he removes his mask, too, "Not all it's cracked up to be, huh?"  
"I dunno how you cope with it, bro," Raphael says, sounding uncharacteristically serious. "If you make one wrong move..."  
"Yeah, "Leonardo grimaces, as he swings his legs over the bed to get up and turn off the light, "I know. It's not easy, but you handled it well. You kept everyone safe."  
"I guess," Raphael shrugs. And then, once the light is off and Leonardo is back in his bed. "Don't almost die on us again, okay? For a while there I thought - And when you woke up, there was a while there that I kept thinking you were never gonna be you again. I - just don't do it again, idiot."  
Leonardo's quiet for a moment, "I didn't think I was going to be me again, either. I'm still not, I don't think."  
The problem with Raphael is that he can be a great listener when he wants to be - so of course, he stays silent, waiting for his brother to finish.  
"There were footbots everywhere I turned," His voice wavering a lot more than he's comfortable with, "I couldn't outrun them - I tried but I couldn't shake them off. And the whole time - the Shredder was just watching me. Waiting until I'd run out of energy. It wasn't even like footbots are that difficult to fight, I was just - tired. Really tired."  
Raphael is still silent. Leonardo swallows - his mouth is so dry but he keeps going. If he doesn't talk about it soon, he knows he never will.  
"One of them grabbed my leg and that was it, I toppled down into some freezing cold water. I managed to pull myself out. Shredder let Tigerclaw, Fishface and Rahzar have a turn and I was doing okay - I got in some good hits. But then he was behind me and I turned round and - that was it. A flash of pain and then...nothing. I came to in the tub."  
They both know he's left out a lot - he hasn't gone into the details. He hasn't talked about his nightmares or panic attacks. But it's more than Leonardo has given any of them since he woke up and it's a start.  
"You're still you," Raphael says, after a moment. "But if it'll make you feel better, I'm sure Mikey will have something to tell on me for and then you can go back to yelling at me." Leonardo huffs out a laugh. "I'm sorry you had to take over, even after I woke up. I was just..." He trails off, unsure how to finish. His chest and throat are tight with the thoughts and feelings he hasn't even begun to process himself; he can't put them into words because he still can't make sense of them himself.  
"You earned a vacation," Raphael says, waving his hand and then he snorts, "Next time you want a day off, just ask. Don't sleep for three months - we can all take turns leadin' or something."  
Leonardo grins, "Okay. Are you sure you want to let Mikey lead?"  
Rapahel hesitates, "I mean me and Donnie can take turns."   
Leonardo laughs. "Okay," he agrees, "Sounds good."  
Raphael isn't laughing though. "Just - stop this sacrificing yourself for us thing, okay?"   
"You'd do the same for any of us," Leonardo responds, and Raphael's silence is confirmation. They both lie there in the dark, neither of them saying anything for a while.  
"Sensei will be so proud of you when we tell him," Leonardo breaks the silence, eventually. Raphael doesn't say anything but Leonardo knows he's still awake and listening. "And - for what it's worth - I'm proud of you, too."

 

* * *

 

[I HAVE MANY HEADCANONS ABOUT THE TURTLES, LEONARDO IN PARTICULAR, AND IF UR ON TUMBLR AND UR A REALLY BIG LEONARDO FAN LIKE MYSELF WE SHOULD SHARE OUR HEADCANONS COS I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS](http://cinnarina.tumblr.com/)


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